7 Ways for Dual-Career Couples to Stay Connected

Being in a relationship or being married doesn't necessarily mean you are a connected couple. Unfortunately, our divorce rate shows us that. Staying connected can be hard enough for anyone, but add in dual-careers, and if you aren't careful, you can easily find yourself cohabiting with someone you forgot why you got together with in the first place.

“Love is like a precious plant. You can't just accept it and leave it in the cupboard or just think it's going to get on by itself. You've got to keep on watering it. You've got to really look after it and nurture it.” -- John Lennon

Any relationship worth staying in takes nurturing. As John Lennon so eloquently reminds us, "you've got to really look after it and nurture it"…because a relationship without nurturing will wither, and eventually die, whether you choose to stay in it or not.

So how do you stay connected and make time to nurture your relationship when you both have important careers with more work to do than hours in the day, perhaps even a kid or two?

1. Individually set the intention and collectively commit.

You have to set the intention and make the commitment that staying connected to your significant other is important. You each have to set the intention to yourself first and then make the commitment together. Even though you are busy. Even though there's so much work to do. Even though it can be easier to put other things first.

A successful and satisfying relationship does not just happen. It requires you to make the decision and choices on a daily basis that support the type of connection you really want to have. Set the intention, make the commitment and then talk together about how you want your relationship to look and feel.

2. Discuss your default behaviors.

Let's be honest, there are plenty of times when we are working, but we really don't have to be working. No one is dying. No urgent deadline is looming. Your boss is not sitting on the other side of the computer waiting for an email. And yet, we default into the behaviors that keep us busy, distracted and disconnected.

I would not suggest doing this in the heat-of-the-moment when you are frustrated, but perhaps during one of your in-home date nights (see point # 5) you each write down a few things that you think you default to in the evenings or weekends--the things that may get in the way from you connecting with your partner. Also write down the things you think the other person defaults to. Examples: checking email, checking Facebook, watching YouTube, anything work related...you get the point.

After you have both come up with your lists, have a mature conversation about what you see and what you experience, from the point of view as the one "distracted" and the one who witnesses the distractions. What impact do these default behaviors have on your health, well-being, relationship, personal time, overall life enjoyment? What changes could you make to be more deliberate about what you do with your time when you aren't at work or don't have to be working?

3. Review your schedules for the week on Sunday evening.

Use one day a week (I prefer Sunday) to sit down--even if for just 10 minutes--to review your upcoming week together. Who has what going on which days? Who will be home late which nights? Who wants to make plans on what days? When do you both have some time to schedule your date nights (see point #5)? Use this time to get on the same page, talk through the schedule and discuss what adjustments may need to be made or who may need what help.

4. Declare mutual work nights.

As you look over your schedules for the week, pinpoint which nights you both will focus on working, and which you will not. Instead of defaulting to working every night because you can, why not schedule together which nights will be your "work nights" when you either both work at home together in the evening or one or both of you works late at the office. Be specific about which nights or times during the weekend that you'll both give to working so that you can then set aside some of the same time to do things for fun together (see point #5).

5. Set two different date nights each week.

Couple's need time to talk through and work on the "life issues", as well as time to talk, have fun and play together. Tension can rise when you don't make time (or enough time) for either.

I suggest you pick one night a week for an in-home "date" to work on a project you've been putting off (i.e. papers to file, will to draft up, vacation to research, closet to clean out, etc.) or talk about a bigger issue that needs your attention (i.e. vacation timing, family visiting, childcare concerns, goals you want to pursue, etc.). The other date night is dedicated to fun, enjoyment and pleasure. Whether you stay in to watch a movie (not just channeling surfing, but sitting down with popcorn, wine and no devices to watch a movie you both want to see) or get out of the house to try a new restaurant, meet up with other friends or take a class, the point is that it's time together doing something fun: something not about work; something you both enjoy or have been talking about trying; something that helps remind you why you started dating in the first place and who you are outside of the work you do.

6. Go to bed at the same time (at least some of the nights).

Going to bed at different times is not a problem, unless it happens all the time. Perhaps going to bed at different times has become a default behavior versus a deliberate choice. Connection and intimacy happen when you get into bed at the same time. Even if nothing sexually intimate happens, feeling the person next to you, snuggling under the covers together, hearing the other person breathing while you fall asleep: these are all ways that help us connect to and grow closer to our partner. Not to mention, there's a higher chance of something sexual happening if you are actually in bed together, and that is a necessary and fun way to stay connected, too!

7. Agree to keep the communication open about staying connected and to speak up when one or both of you are feeling disconnected.

As you can see, all of these tips are about communication, and that's because communication is key to having a healthy and happy relationship. Now that you've opened up this topic and are hopefully integrating some of the other tips, agree with each other to check in on a regular basis about how you each are feeling from a connection standpoint. I even recommend coming up with a code word or phrase you agree to use if one of you is feeling like the connection is slipping. I know one couple that uses the phrase, "my love tank is feeling low" when they are feeling disconnected. In my own marriage, we just come out and directly say, "I am not feeling connected right now," or "when can make some time to connect this week?"

With all of these things, respect is important. Respecting each other and the relationship enough to take the conversation and requests seriously and to look at how your own choices and behaviors are helping or hindering the connection with your partner.

Which of these can you start with to stay connected?

Do you have other ways you stay connected in your relationship? Please add a comment and share with us.

NICOLA TAGGART’S BIO:

Nicola Taggart is a personal and professional development strategist, coach, and speaker. Her brilliance is in inspiring and leading others to take ownership of their life, choices, and happiness. By learning how to slow down and redefine success and balance—from the inside out—others are empowered to experience more freedom and fulfillment in all areas of their life and shed feelings of chaos and overwhelm. Nicola is the author of the Calm the Chaos Journal and Card Deck available at Amazon, Target, and leading bookstores. Corporate clients and private clients are invited to reach out to her at www.NicolaTaggart.com.